Thoughts

When I die.

Maybe others will say I am selfish but as the last two days unfolded with the eventuality of the passing of my grandmother, I had some time to ponder about death.

I want to die soon, even at 42, I do not mind. I have nothing to live for, nor have I got anything to lose. I have nothing I would categorically call it as a career, nor any significant asset to call my own, that my death would be solely almost unnoticeable except to a few. In my demise, comes a possibility of my wife surviving me with a small fortune that she I have no doubt, no sooner to give it all away.

What would my tombstone say? A man whose life is but a sigh. I have no significance to my existence, that I merely work and providing financial resources to people around me. To my wife, it is about supporting her to pursue her dreams, while unending streams of giving to others, that to a point it seems ridiculous. No wonder I loathe the idea of friends because there is no true friends that I can speak truly without being judged.

The best way to die is to me, a rather quiet affair, no surprises, no party, no obituary on the newspaper or anywhere. If there is anything to survive me, is that I will put together my life’s work of my thoughts for the church that through it, the next generation will have a love for God, and His Word that surpasses me. I leave no reputation behind except that one whose life is but a sigh, and all pointing to God in this dark times.

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